Transparency in Christ: How God is Transforming me - it's not all sunshine and rainbows!

Looking back on who I used to be, versus now, I can honestly say that I am grateful that I am no longer that girl. And a girl I was. Yes, I was married, had a child, a home,etc. but I was just a girl. Spiritually and emotionally immature.

I went to church and I tried as hard as I could to gain a close relationship with God, however, I still was dead inside. I was young and very foolish.

I sought attention through my musical abilities, my voice, especially. I forgot that it was a gift from God, and not something I did of my own accord. I was quite a "DIVA," if I may be so bold. I lived for solo opportunities, performed fundraiser concerts, and thrived on praise. My head got way bigger than it should have and it made me selfish and blind to the needs of others, including my now ex-husband's.

I didn't fully understand how to meet his needs, and I rebelled from him in every way I could, largely due to the fact that I felt my in-laws were trying to micromanage our marriage. Well,they were and I felt he was not defending me because he was supposed to "leave his mother and father's house and cleave to his wife." (Gen. 2:24) He had failed me as a husband. That was my perspective. I didn't realize that there were some needs I could not fulfill, only God could.

We were quite young when we married, I was 22 and he was 28. We had our share of troubles, but being young, we were optimistic that we could get through them. However, his parents' constant interference was our downfall, I forgot to mention that they were Indian-East Indian. The culture shock and condescending advice became too much for me to bear. They resented me because I was not Indian and I begin to resent him for allowing them to talk to me as if I were worthless.

I began to spend a lot of time on the computer, more time than I should. Of course, I would take care of my daughter's needs, but I had no love left for him and I found an emotional attachment with someone online. It never went further than that and I was never one to go down that path in the past. Yet, there I was, in the middle of an emotional affair, and while it felt great at first, something was gnawing at me, telling me, "this feeling you have right now? It's not going to last!"

At the time I didn't realize that was the Holy Spirit giving me fair warning to stop it! Well, I of course, did not heed His warning, and kept up the affair for another few weeks.

Little by little, the pit of my stomach just turned on me and I was faced with the truth of, "Who am I fooling? Nothing can ever come of his because he's not going to move and you can't move to make this work. This isn't right!" So, I ended it and thankfully he agreed and did not try to pursue anything else. We lost all contact with each other and I told my then husband about what had transpired and he was hurt, but forgave me. We tried to make it work a little longer. We were married almost nine years when we decided that we just could not get along. We tried for our daughter, but the tension and resentment we had towards each other was so thick, she could sense it, and I just could not put her through another day of turmoil.

I asked for a divorce in May 2008, I believe, and it was finalized in October that same year. We were separated for those few months before the finalization and during that time, I had started seeing a man that was, I thought only 20 years my senior (I was in my early 30's at the time). I found out much later that he had lied to me about his age and was actually 30 years my senior.

I spent nearly seven years of my life with this man. I thought he was the greatest thing on earth. However, slowly but surely his true colors started to reveal themselves. I was pretty emotionally invested by this time and felt that I could make things work with him, if only I could do right, be good and not make him angry or trigger him because of his PTSD. He was a Vietnam vet and had been through a lot in life, from what he had me believe. Unfortunately, the longer we were together, the more manipulative and controlling he became. He would end things very abruptly, and because I had a fear of being alone, I would find someone on rebound, and then he would come crawling back and I would regrettably let him back into my life.

It was a vicious cycle and a time in my life I am not proud of in the least. The day when my daughter revealed to me that she did not like him or how he treated me was the day my eyes were truly opened. It took a lot of courage for her to say it because she feared it would hurt my feelings or I would be angry with her. I assured her that would never happen and that I was sorry for what I put us both through. I then told him he was no longer welcome in my home because my daughter comes first. He had the audacity to try to make ME feel guilty for putting my daughter before him and that's when I knew I was making the right choice! NO MAN WILL EVER COME BETWEEN MYSELF AND MY DAUGHTER EVER AGAIN! I made this quite clear to him and he left....but not as quiet as I had hoped!

Being the narcissist that he was, he felt the need to send myself, my then new employer, family members and friends a smear campaign of garbage spouting off how horrible of a person I am, that I am a sociopathic narcissist( this, children, is what is called projection) and I am worthless, etc. etc...

Now mind you, none of these people liked him, and some never even met him, but they knew me. So, it was rather comical to see how he was trying to get people who couldn't stand him to hate me! He was some kind of twisted and seriously needed professional help. Unfortunately, people like that do not think they need help. It's always the other person.

Well, after 5 months on my own. I had started attending my old church again and met who is now my husband, Bill. I was very cautious, because I was terrified to let anyone in after that. So, we started off slow and took it from there. We went on a few dates, but something just felt right about it, and I felt the nudge from the Holy Spirit that this one was good.

Now, we are almost three years married. It hasn't been an easy road. There have been times when I would get scared and want to run the other direction. For the first year or two, I doubted if we would make it because I wasn't sure if I could get over how Eric treated me. I had my own PTSD to deal with. Even after Bill and I got together, I would have bad dreams that He would come back and I would have to give up all the happiness that I had with Bill. I would wake up in tears. It wasn't a great time. However, Bill was understanding and patient.

I finally got to a point where I had to get down on my knees and pray that God would help me to let go of Eric-which meant I would have to forgive him. That was hard because I wasn't ready to do that...I didn't even know if I could because it went against everything humanly natural. However, that's how God works... that's how he wants us to be. NOT NATURAL!

So, right there, on my bedroom floor, I prayed and begged God to help me to forgive him so that I could let him go...so that I could be free! I couldn't formulate the words "I forgive him!" Every time I tried to say them or even thought of saying it was like a serrated knife in my heart...it was painful because I couldn't understand how I could forgive someone who put me through so much!

Suddenly, the revelation came...I felt and heard the Holy Spirit say,"Once you forgive, you will be free!" The pain in my heart went away as soon as I mouthed "I for-" and I finally was able to forgive him completely. I gave him to God, and He released the hold he had on me. I felt all of the fear, doubt, feelings of worthlessness melt away in that instance. I knew then that noting was impossible to God!

The time I spent with Eric was not ideal but God was working in me even then. He was strengthening and teaching me what NOT to settle for ever again. He also taught me that being alone is sometimes best and that even though a situation may be financially beneficial, it's not always what is best for us. (Think of jumping from the skillet back into the fire)

I can also look back on who I was and proudly say I am light years from who I was then! I am spiritually grounded and mature and know who I am in Christ. I no longer count on my own abilities or strengths because they falter next to the gifts and blessings God has bestowed upon me. I no longer need attention or approval from man because I have the attention and approval of Jesus, my savior! Not to mention, the gift of a loving and devoted husband, whom I cherish.

My journey with Christ is my top priority now and nothing can ever separate me from that!

I pray that God has blessed someone by reading my testimony. God's not finished with me yet. There's still more to my story. It's not an easy road, but it's worth it!